Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Homeostasis Returned

Last night I got home and after some rather frustrating answering machine messages from certain people I can't really stand dealing with, overwhelming emotions built up like all of my unfinished responsibilities, and a rough phone call home I officially had a break down. Its been so long since I had a good old fashioned freak out. And when I freak out I mean that pretty much lost it. SO MUCH shit was seemingly raining down upon me that I felt the need to pace around my apartment rubbing my head and talking to myself out loud. Follow that up with a shower that may or may not have involved crying and a night full of tormented sickening nightmare dreams and I woke up today feeling like I had survived a massacre.

Its the storm thats building that I don't like, the rippling stretch of water before the waterfall. I don't like the time before the change, because speculation is at an all time high, unexpected scenarios fill your mind, worrysome thoughts and could be's and shoulda been's, and the not knowing what is going to happen in your life despite your best of plans. I know that I make choices every day, but sometimes it feels like we aren't really in control of anything. Not to say that "something" is in control of me because that is equally ludicrous to me, if this is some beings idea of how life should be than that being is a sicko. I truly feel that we aren't in control of much but the more we try to the more we freak out.

But, I like the time of change itself, the moments of transition between the now and the future that has been in the works for months, because time and acceleration and plans get lost in the locomotion of life hurdling along until the rapids are over and you can breathe easy and rest in the smooth currents of time, all settled into the next phase of life.

Its at times like these that I really wish I could talk about everything in my life to this blog. Because of my job, and my career, and some of my choices in the past I can't really tell you all about the real parts of me that keep me going in life, that way me down, that drive me crazy and redeem me from sadness.

Today I'm ok though, it can't get worse than yesterday, and I did have some very timely help from a very positive person over the phone after I calmed down. You know who you are and you know how much your rule. Thanks for saving my ass last night and restoring me!

Yes people can ruin your day, or like last night they can save it too. There are good things going on out there. I just need to tap back into the flow of the good things.

Find the Good Things.


Anonymous said...

Obviously I let you down last night. I should have been that person to lift you up again.

Randall H. Sloot said...

You dont have to post this comment but I want you to know you can call me any-fuckin-time of the day, night, morning, solstice, new moon, AM, PM, whatever. Seriously man, I dont know if I could have been any help in a situation such as this one, but just know I'm here for you man. Lets talk more man. I fuckin miss you. BTW, now I'm sure, dont post this comment. I know we're hetero-lifemates and all but shit, this could really ruin my gangsta rep.

Anonymous said...

I wish there was a place to start... I am kind of obsessed with reading your blogs! (I've just recently been told, by you, to read them) But everything you write has so much passion.

I had no idea how amazing, how selfless, how warm and happy and hippy you are. I take no pleasure in your frustrations of the past few days, but I can't help but to feel every emotion that comes out of those magical blogging fingers of yours. I hope that things pick up for you... you seem to be very good at keeping a positive attitude. Any Sugesstions? Every time I read something you have written it gives me so much hope that there are truly healing, positive, amazing people out there. I seem to end up hanging on every word like it were written in stone that this is the way life should be. I find myself asking WWKD(what would Kale do?) :)

Thank you for every thing that you do and for all that you give to others. I really hope that this helps, but you do make a difference, at least to me... one down, some-odd-million to go right?

Have a good night friend!


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