Last night I got home and after some rather frustrating answering machine messages from certain people I can't really stand dealing with, overwhelming emotions built up like all of my unfinished responsibilities, and a rough phone call home I officially had a break down. Its been so long since I had a good old fashioned freak out. And when I freak out I mean that pretty much lost it. SO MUCH shit was seemingly raining down upon me that I felt the need to pace around my apartment rubbing my head and talking to myself out loud. Follow that up with a shower that may or may not have involved crying and a night full of tormented sickening nightmare dreams and I woke up today feeling like I had survived a massacre.
Its the storm thats building that I don't like, the rippling stretch of water before the waterfall. I don't like the time before the change, because speculation is at an all time high, unexpected scenarios fill your mind, worrysome thoughts and could be's and shoulda been's, and the not knowing what is going to happen in your life despite your best of plans. I know that I make choices every day, but sometimes it feels like we aren't really in control of anything. Not to say that "something" is in control of me because that is equally ludicrous to me, if this is some beings idea of how life should be than that being is a sicko. I truly feel that we aren't in control of much but the more we try to the more we freak out.
But, I like the time of change itself, the moments of transition between the now and the future that has been in the works for months, because time and acceleration and plans get lost in the locomotion of life hurdling along until the rapids are over and you can breathe easy and rest in the smooth currents of time, all settled into the next phase of life.
Its at times like these that I really wish I could talk about everything in my life to this blog. Because of my job, and my career, and some of my choices in the past I can't really tell you all about the real parts of me that keep me going in life, that way me down, that drive me crazy and redeem me from sadness.
Today I'm ok though, it can't get worse than yesterday, and I did have some very timely help from a very positive person over the phone after I calmed down. You know who you are and you know how much your rule. Thanks for saving my ass last night and restoring me!
Yes people can ruin your day, or like last night they can save it too. There are good things going on out there. I just need to tap back into the flow of the good things.
Find the Good Things.