Wednesday, June 4, 2008

Wednesday in Pullman, Washington.

After 3 long days of moving we are almost done. I hate moving. I hate it. Yes its fun to set up a new pad, go grocery shopping for new condiments, and drink out of plastic pizza pipeline cups for a couple of days but after a while you just want to come home. Me and my brothers lives have been in shambles for 3 days making this transition. Now we are finally all moved in (and its not even my place).

I have moved so much crap in and out of this town. Moved here and back home once every year for college. Moved in the middle of the year twice (Australia and house changes). Moved to Tacoma at the end. Thats twelve moves in 6 years ECH! I just hate the fact that it won't get done unless you do it, and if you half ass it, you'll pay for it in the end when it takes longer because of laziness.

But there is so much crap that goes along with moving; cleaning, painting; poster taking up and downing, scrubbing, banging your hands on wall while carrying crap, cutting yourself on stuff, awkward positions trying to geometrically figure out how to get a love seat into a covered patio, and figuring out how to plug in all your crap with hardly any outlets. That' life though. Moving on from one place to another. I just wish it were simple like the cave men used to do. You just wake up, scratch your ass and start walking.

We got so much SHIT these days and every time you move you just move your crap from one place to another. Crap you don't even need, but its yours, you must have it, because on this endless expanse of Earth you just have to know that you HAVE something.

"Oh yeah thats mine" or "Yep, thats mine right there, I OWN IT"

These possessions, we don't own them, they own us. Thats what I say.

My brother is taking a nap right now. And I am gonna settle on in for a big post. I don't know where its gonna go but I feel like I've neglected you fair readers with all my adventures and lack of writing.

I'm sitting on this back porch treefort thing my brother has in the back of his house. And I'm just listening to the world. The sounds that make me happy. I can hear a myriad of birds. Small little chirps and whistles that remind me that I am in eastern Washington. The birds have a sound here that reminds of my child hood and of college. The birds in Alaska sound foreign to me and there aren't many of them around sometimes. But now, there are soooo many little guys out there. Bustling around from branch to phone line and back again. Looking for a mate, feeding their babies, or maybe, just maybe, simply calling up to the universe to remind it that they are still here.

I hear machines too. Cars and trucks and buses. Accelerating and braking, the sound of tires running across sewer grates and garbage. People, like birds, back and forth from location to location. Thats what we do I guess, move around. We rarely stay still unless we're sleeping.

Time is flying by already. Its funny how much I looked forward to "summer." All the things I would get to do, all the people I would get to visit. And now, here I am, in the moments that kept me sane through a cold desolate isolated winter of nothingness and solitude. I think of my students from time to time (But not that often to be honest). I think about the fact that I still don't know who my new principal is. I think of my dwindling bank account due to a phenomenon I can only describe as "Its been so long" What I mean is that everything I eat, drink, do or visit is something I feel like I haven't done in SO LONG. So I don't care how much it costs I just have to do it.

That is one good thing about Alaska, they have nothing, so when you finally get out of it everything has been revirginized in your mind. Its like I'm living life for the first time again. The only thing that I can't shake is that I'm going back up there for some reason. I really don't know why at the moment. Hopefully when summer is over I'll feel more excited about returning to my island in the Bering Sea. Right now I wish I would have started looking for a new teaching job. I'm afraid I'll get stuck up there. I'm afraid that if I teach there too long I'll lose my ability to teach 5 classes of 30 students. I'm afraid if I go back I'll return again someday but look, act, and feel even weirder than I already do, what if I get too weird? (I think its too late)

Another thing that is bothering me is how much pressure I'm putting on myself to see people. I have so many people right now that I want to hang out with that I'm feeling spread very thin. I have to find time for family, friends, romance, and new acquaintances. A day here and a day there isn't fair. I don't like being that guy that just pops in and hangs out then leaves again. I think all this visiting people has made me realize I don't want to live up in Alaska for much longer. I want to find a home. A home that I like, that I want to be in so that I can be around my people, people who don't have a name for me that means WHITE GUY. If I lived here I could spend time with people and it wouldn't carry so much goddamn weight.

My mom tells me this story, one that I kind of remember, about how upset I would get every summer when our family would go to Banks Lake to camp for a week. I inevitably would make fast friends with some kids my age from around the campground and then when they had to leave after a couple of days of bike riding and sand cave digging I would just sit in my tent and cry all day because I'd never see them again. Thats still how I kind of feel today. I love people so much that when I'm not around them it makes me really sad, like I'm missing out on all the good times we could be having together.

Oh life, why must you be so awesome?

I'll write again tomorrow, good bye peoples.

3 comments:

Reese-E said...

i totally know what you mean about moving, kale. my sister is moving to LA to live with me next weekend and i had to clean out one of my closets for her and it reminded me how much i HATE moving. and the dumb thing is that i realized more than half of the stuff i was keeping in that closet was junk and needed to be thrown away. a broken vaccum cleaner, an old vcr with a tape stuck in it, a shelf that i wasn't using but somehow felt i needed to keep. you're right. we do have too much stuff these days! time to do some summer cleaning!

jessie40oz said...

i must admit that as much as moving sucks - it does feel good to just get rid of all that extra shit that there really is no need for.

i'm with you on the caveman thing .... as long as i can have a pillow ;)

positivelystephie said...

wow you are describing my life! since i was moving at the same time! since i was just gone (not as long as you) but know how it is to want to see everyone so much! to feel the need to stay in one place! all i can say is don't worry... it is all working out.. you will get to see everyone and spend quality time with the people you really want to see.. and we all understand that it is tough.. i will wait ever so patient and excitedly for my special Kale time!! it will just get better every day we have to wait for it!!
Looking forward to my giant amazing kale hug!!
i love love love and miss you more then words!

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