I felt like I have been reborn. When I woke up this morning I felt different. Like everything had been wiped clean last night. I watched "Into the Wild" (see over emotional, late night, TheraFlu influenced post below and also I know its a book, I'll read it someday so just lay off that recommendation). Regardless, it changed me. I had the most lucid dreams I've ever had last night. At times it felt like I was dreaming with my eyes open. I could feel myself in bed sleeping there, but also distinctly in this other world. The dream involved my family, the woods, and my guitar. The details aren't as clear now as they were last night but it meant something.
I think the reason the movie hit home so solidly is that it spoke to a ridiculously personal part of my life. It was essentially about a man who decided to desert everything on a quest to find out the truth about himself and everything. He deserted his family, love, friendship, comfort and conformity. Everything about his journey was like watching a purer, more defined, more magnificent, more epic version of my own life. We even looked alike at times. It just totally hit me square in the chest. It freaked me out. I didn't envy him, I just felt small in comparison.
What I think I learned from it is that I need to define my meaning. I need to set a course, a bigger one, because my "Great Alaskan Adventure" isn't the answer or question or whatever I was looking for. I know some things about it now (although these will change maybe someday).
I can survive (emotionally) alone, I just don't want to.
I want to be less self absorbed.
I appreciate the ordinary.
I want to listen to people's stories.
Nature is the center of everything.
Music is a doorway to the heart.
Travel is necessary for perspective.
The world is gigantic and miniature simultaneously.
Family is imperfect but who we are.
Life is a tragedy, we all die.
Money complicates everything.
Love is a gift not a right.
I need a home.
So where do I go from here? What is the new course? What is the next theme? I'm not going to go into the woods and live alone because that has been done and I would die (I'm doing the Cliff Notes version of that right now anyway). I need my own...well...um..."thing." I need a meaning. A big one. Or at least a bigger one than I have now. I mean, its what makes us who we are, a meaning. We want to know that we are here for a reason, that it all means something, right? That its not just a beating heart and food, shelter, birth, life, job, car, money, children, retirement, death. People can say they will live after death, but no one can be sure, even if they say they are, its the one thing that binds us together, dying. Life though, I don't really believe it means more than just living and making it to the next day, more than the meaning of a fish or a tree, or a panda or a gold finch, or a koala, or a beaver, or a moth, or toad, or dolphin, or slime mold, or a diatom, or a bed of moss, or a palm tree, or sea kelp, or anything, I don't think that it means more than any of those things. I think the gift/curse of humanity is that we think it does. We search for meaning. Constantly. Always. Then we glance back in retrospect to help define it. We look to the future to help guide it. And we appreciate or neglect it the moment of transition.
So what is the meaning to life dammit? Well eeny meeny miney moe...catch a meaning by the toe. If you catch it you should know, what you know you do not know.
I think I'm pretty sure I'll never know the answer, because there isn't one. Its all about the journey. Its all about the search. Its all about the looking, the asking, the trying, the failing, the starting over and the questions. So if thats the case, where do I steer the journey? What vessel do I ride in? How fast should I go? Where should I stop along the way? What should I bring with me? Who should I go with? Those are good questions, or at least better than the ones I've asked in the past.
Meaning of life. Bleh! Meaning of today. One step at a time. String them together. One thing, one word, one action, one love, one moment, one connection, one glancing ray in the sun, one frozen heart in the snow, one big joke, one sobbing failure, one handshake, one embrace, one last song.
Make your day, your moment good, thats what I'm saying. I didn't know where this was going when I started this post, but here we are. The moment, you and I, reading this now. That's exactly what I'm talking about. The moment. The past is up there. The future down below and all around. The now is right HERE.
Kablamo! KaPOW! SCREEEEEEEEECH! Zing! BOOM! ZAP! SPLAT!
That was a crazy moment. It was supposed to make you laugh! We can start our day over after something like that. Put a bunch of those together and you might have good day. Which is all I want for everyone.
Man, the fire is burning again. Can you feel it?