Tuesday, January 29, 2008

READERS CHOICE TOPIC 2: Gnomes, Triceratops and Kevin Costner

First of all, I hope you realize what a impossible chore this is going to be. Lets go.

Now first and foremost we need to establish some ground rules. I have to write about Gnomes and Triceratops. You can check the poll itself, either way the poll I gave used the plural of both of these creatures. That means gnomeS and triceratopS as in multiple. There is only one Kevin Costner, you should know that.

Secondly. Gnomes exist in the fairy tail world and fantasy realm of reality. Triceratops were avery awesome dinosaurs, natural enemies to T-Rex, that existed 65 million years ago during the late Maastrichtian Stage of the Cretaceous Period. Kevin Costner is a legend of film playing some of the greatest characters of all time. Since gnomes and triceratops are plural, I am going to make the judgment call that I can include all of Costner's characters in this discussion. I only think its fair.

Now to the task at hand. What is the topic? Well, I need to take you to the depths of time and space. Where the universe folds over upon itself. In this dimension, one where infinite fantasy , the deep prehistoric past and Hollywood plotlines overlap, I would like to explore and decide who would win in a fight to the death between gnomes, triceratops and Kevin Costner. Thats right its a forest reptile baseball player battle royal and heads are gonna roll.

We'll determine the winner in round robin tournament.

Deathmatch One: Gnomes vs. Triceratops.- Now if size alone determined the victor here, the triceratops wou win. The fossil record indicates that triceratops could grow 10 feet tall, 30 feet long and weighed up to 12 tonnes. They also had a fierce stare (I added that for effect) That is considerably larger than humans and dwarfs gnomes (hehe). The largest gnome (no fossil record) speculation is roughly 2 feet. Therefore it is obvious of the size disadvantage these little men of the woods are facing. Size and fierce looks are about the only advantage the triceratops would have in this fight. They might be able to sqaush a gnome under their massive foot or skewer one on their nose horn, but aside from that they are in a tight spot here. They also have tiny brains. Gnomes, on the other hand, are super intelligent. In the native habitat of their wooded areas, gnomes are widely known for their ability to speak to the animals. They love all creatures and often work with them. Gnomes probably don't speak triceratopserese. But, they do live for up to 400 years, giving them the ability to learn the language of a enemy triceratops. I think we can all safely assume, if forced with death, that a gnome or gnomes could use these animal speaking powers and their cunning knowledge and craftsmenship of tools to device a trap of some type to fall the massive beast or beasts. Deathmatch One: Victory Gnomes.

Deathmatch Two: Triceratops vs. Costner. Well the first question that comes to mind is would Costner kill an innocent triceratops? In most cases no, he's a loving man (Who can imagine The Dad in "A Field of Dreams" murduring?). He also learned respect for animals in "Dances With Wolves" as Lt. John Dunbar hunting the Tatanka. But in several roles such as the recent "Mr. Brooks" where he plays a serial killer and also as Thomas J. Murphy a gun waving murderer thug in "3000 miles to Graceland" we know that Costner can and will kill in cold blood. With that settled, he does not possess the skills of the gnome, and there is only one of him. Large predators have never been a problem for Costner though. In "Waterworld" Costner as "The Mariner" mutant hero uses himself as bait to catch a giant massive deep sea fish in the open ocean. Not only crazy heroic, but also very smart. Costner also has mastery of many weapons and survival situations. Multiple angry, blood thirsty, stampeding triceratops could present a challenge though. I have to imagine, as you should, if we're being honest with ourselves, that Costner could handle it though. After all, he defeated an entire tanker of "Smokers" henchmen in "Waterworld." He defeated an entire militia army of post apocalyptic thugs in "The Postman." He defeated the Sheriff of Nottingham and his goons in "Robin Hood Prince of Thieves." He defeated Al Capone as Elliot Ness in "The Untouchables" and lets face it, HE WAS Wyatt FARKING Earp. I can't in any of the scenarios of my imagination not think of Costner sweeping on to the back of a triceratops from a rope (in animal skins) and stabbing a spear into the undefensible soft area behind the shield of the triceratops skull. Can you? I didn't think so. Deathmatch Two: Victory goes to Costner.

Final Round Deathmatch Three: Costner vs. Gnomes
I'm going to be honest here, I want Costner to win because he's the underdog here. Multiple Gnomes are a formidable opponent. But, lets be fair. Maybe when he's wearing a cardigan pullover sweater and sending a sappy "Message In Bottle" a pack of evil gnomes could sneak up on him and end his romantic existence with many tiny crossbows. Maybe the gnomes could hold his kids hostage and get a surrender, he has played a doting father in "Field of Dreams" and "The War" as Elijah Woods vietnam vet out of work Dad, and he even showed mercy as escaped convict kidnapper Butch Haynes in "A Perfect World" for the kidnappee boy child Phillip. Unfortunately, Costner would never let this happen because he was a "Bodyguard" (with bad sideburns I might add) to Whitney Houston and recently saved Ashton Kutcher's life in "The Gaurdian" as a Coast Guard diver. So, that option is out.
Costner is no stranger to the woods either. The gnomes would lose homefield advantage due to his experience as Robin Hood. Gnomes are not only very old and wise, crafty with many trades, able to speak to animals, they are also very strong. What they lack in size they make up for in strength, agility, and low center of balance. Since there are possibly multiple gnomes we need to choose another battlefield to equalize the Deathmatch. To make it fair to Costner I say we should make the DeathMatch a 9 inning game of All American Rules Baseball, loser dies by voluntary sacrifice.

I will allow, fairly, there to be as many gnomes on the field of play as there are baseball playing characters Costner has portrayed. Pitching we have Billy Chapel from "For the Love of the Game" (Threw a perfect game at the age of 42 so look out). Catching is Crash Davis the all-time minor league homerun leader and witty catcher from "Bull Durham." Playing shortstop rover would have to be Ray Kinsella the farmer father in "Field of Dreams" although not a pro he had a good arm. The first baseman would be a little know role as Ed the big brother ball player in an early Costner film "Chasing Dreams." Outfield would be a combo of two players. Playing left field is Denny the Ex Baseball star in the chick flick "The Upside of Anger." Playing right field, you have to give me this one, Roy McAvoy the Golfer in "Tin Cup." Sorry I needed that one. So that makes five Costners versus five gnomes. Gnomes are strong, their skills with tools unparalleled, but their baseball skills, knowledge of the game, grit and triumphant ending ability levels are untested.
In this deathmatch of America's pastime I think we can all agree, happily and without incident or argument, that the five person Costner team would win, barely, with a diving catch in the bottom of the 9th inning or a grand slam of some type. As the gnomes systematically ended their shortened, bearded, felt hat wearing lives in front of a sell out Detroit crowd, the Costners would be carried off the field triumphantly, exhausted, on the shoulders of all the leading ladies of every Costner film. Stands With a Fist, Waterworld Girl Jeanne Tripplehorn, Jennifer Aniston from "Rumor Has It," Annette Benning (Open Range), Billy Chapel's wife Kelly Preston, Rene Russo, Whitney Houston and Susan Sarandon would all line up and give the Costner's steamy romantic kisses with the wind blowing through their hair.

The undisputed winner of this round robin tournament of blood, in my humble yet knowledgeable opinion, would be the greatest actor of all time Kevin Costner.

By the way, do not test me on multiple topics again or will be forced to unleash something like this synopsis once more. Whew!!! After writing this I feel like I just gave birth to a triceratops.

6 comments:

Anonymous said...

Wow! I have no idea how you do it or where it comes from but you do it every time! Your grandmother English teacher would be very proud. By the way, so am I, not only because you write so well but because you have recognized Kevin Costner for what he is, the greatest! I'm signing off now, for love of the blog! Mom

alisha said...

Nothing about modge podge. Geez...what's a girl gotta do to get a question answered around here?

Very interesting reading. I think you gave the gnomes an unfair disadvantage though. What gnomes could win a baseball game? Even if they werent playing an all Costner team? They're only two feet tall!

Have a great HUMP DAY!

hdt said...

AWESOME. Without a doubt the best I have ever read about any of those three subjects. You should send a copy to Kevin Costner. Which leads to my next question, why does a funky hippie like you know so much about Kevin Costner? That is the real issue! ha!

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