I'm so sorry I haven't been able to post for a while. I still don't have regular internet access and life has been, well, complicated lately. Analysis below.
Long long ago I posted something about orbitals, basically how when you attract people into your life and as they orbit around you and you around them you have to give up part of your energy to maintain the relationship. The more people around your life the more your energy is divided. I'm feeling divided. Lately, I've been struggling to make time for everyone in my life. This boggles my mind because I think back to how many people/friends/family/coworkers/colleagues and acquaintances I had before I left for Alaska and how exhausted I was trying to keep up with them then. Now that I've returned it once again becoming difficult to satisfy all the people who are requiring time from me despite the fact that I have less orbitals nearby than ever before.
One thing that is becoming a thorn in my side as well is that I'm slowly becoming more sick of substitute teaching. Actually I kind of hate it all of a sudden. Once I realized that I have to work 4 or 5 days a week to break even for the month and that I can't just skip through life being a part time sub it kind of pissed me off. I've seriously enjoyed all the free time that subbing provides and now that I have to start subbing more and tutoring after school to make ends meet its only going to cut more time out of my time with people. Leisure time is difficult.
Then adding to that is the holidays. Mine were fantastic and more good times to come over Christmas. I got to see a lot of family, have two thanksgiving dinners and enjoy my first family turkey day in two years. Along with all of that catching up is the repeated question that relatives ask, "So Kale, what are you doing with your life these days?" That's when I get to explain that I'm a substitute teacher looking for work. Except I'm not. Basically I'm just a substitute teacher with no clue of how the hell I'm going to get a job. Each day that passes is another trip to another classroom of another school that I really don't want to work in. What to do...
One of the precedents I set this summer was that I was paying for lots of stuff (freely without wanting return) so that the group I was with could have a better time having fun and including everyone. I can no longer provide that service as the fat Alaskan paychecks have stopped coming months ago. Also I drove everywhere to see other people. With gas prices, my expensive car repairs of late and more upcoming I can't do that anymore either. Then it dawned on me. Why don't people come to me more often? By making myself so flexible and considerate I also made myself poor. Also, everyone thinks Tacoma is lame, but its not, its great. I wonder what would happen if I stopped visiting people. Who will come see me?
With the holidays coming I've decided to try an make the month of December one of moderation. More meals at home, less going out. More quiet time, exercise hopefully, arts and crafts, ukulele practice. You see I can't go all out because while all the salary teachers are off work on the holidays I'm simply not getting paid for two weeks. Then it dawned on me, what will I do this summer with no income...ah summer job yay.
I'm not necessarily bummed about my life, but I was on an awesome high and ass kicking crest of life for a couple months and now I feel like I'm coming down again. Hopefully my friends and family will help pick me up as sometimes I don't always do it for myself.
Also, my birthday is coming up and I don't know why turning 27 feels so old, but it does. I know its not but I traditionally don't really like my birthday because getting older really annoys me and depresses me the same way sundays do. Add to the fact that I'm stuck in my expensive small house till January 1st thus squashing chances of birthday, housewarming, and New Years Eve parties I realized its going to be a weird month that didn't live up to lots of expectations.
I will end with the good things though.
1.) My homemade christmas gifts are coming along splendidly.
2.) Ski Season is coming (next expensive habit I don't have time for)
3.) I will have some kind of birthday party and it will probably be really fun.
4.) I have a show coming up on the 18th and it should be really big with lots of opportunities to meet potential people to open for in the future.
5.) Flowmotion at the JET on friday was a fucking dance extravaganza and I got to see some good friends and get my booty shake on, just what I needed.
6.) Cougar football is over, no more weekly disappointment and embarrassment
7.) Being single still rocks.
I can't say I'll post again soon, just like my email, I only seem to get spam comments anymore and my motivation is dwindling. Maybe a little reader pick me up could help...wink wink.