Sunday, April 12, 2009

The TRUE Story of Easter

Long Long ago, a tiny little bunny Named Ester caused a hillside dirt slide while hippity hopping on a hill, releasing the dirt from beneath a giant bolder and freeing this jesus dude from his cave that he accidentally got closed in when people thought he was sleeping. To show the little bunny his appreciation he granted Ester three wishes.
Ester's first wish was to be the size of a large man, she always wanted to be bigger than life. Her second wish was to be able to defy the natural biological laws of mammals and be given the ability to lay eggs because she had always envied the birds. Ester's last wish was that the eggs that she would be able to birth from her loins would be brightly colored and filled with surprises to really show the birds how to do it right.
Seeing as how Ester the bunny saved old christer's hide he agreed to grant her the wishes (he was jesus so he didn't judge the bunny on her unusual request).
Over the years the giant egg laying bunny begat many an offspring (painfully I might add) but as the DNA of her lineage decayed over time and mutated the great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great grandbunnies only retained the ability to lay brightly colored eggs once a year based on a complex mix of lunar and planetary menstrual cycles.
Thus every year this amazing biological event takes place across the world (much like sea turtles) in peoples living rooms and front yards. It is rather traumatic for Ester's ancestor bunnies to go through of course, and usually they feel so ashamed, confused and embarrassed of what they had done, that they frantically try to hide their peculiar offspring in unusual places so that no one will find them.
BUT FIND THEM WE DO!

Now if we could only understand peeps...


5 comments:

Susan Iverson said...

I like this! What an imagination you have. It's makes as much sense as anything else surrounding the tradition of Easter Eggs.

Randall H. Sloot said...

Peeps come straight from satan himself, everybody knows this. Upon eating them the children's brains become made of the same mystery goo that exists inside peeps themselves. It is then they do satan's bidding.

Hal Iverson said...

haha. Holy shit kale! I was just laughing out loud and got some very funny looks from people around me...great work

serialstar said...

i just wanted to say that I really really like "open air". man it's good!

Angie said...

I do believe in the Christian beliefs about Easter - very strongly. It's one of my favorite holidays, second only to Good Friday. That said, I have to say, that is a marvelous piece of writing, Kale. Perhaps less miraculous than the Easter of Jesus, but marvelous nonetheless.

Thanks for the laughs!

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