Wednesday, November 14, 2007

Wednesday Already

Man, the weeks are really flying by now. I think Its because I can smell Christmas break right around the corner. Next week is Thanksgiving...can you believe it?!! It will be the first Thanksgiving away from home in a long time...or the first in general. That kind of ticks me off because I really am going to miss all the family, friends...and mostly the food. Turkey, stuffing, gravy, green bean casserole, marshmellow yams, mash potatoes, cranberry sauce, rolls, more gravy, some weird onion thing, beetles, cheeseburgers, hammers, leprechauns, ok I threw those last ones in to see if you were paying attention.

Well I guess the weather is holding at just about 30 degrees with a windchill that puts us at 17 degrees or so. I already walked to the post office and it was a little uncomfortable I'll admit. It is pretty cold out there. The skies out on the horizon of the Bering Sea look so black that they could spit forth a demon with horns to ravage the face of the earth with its lightning bolt stare and flaming breath and thunder voice. But I guess all that will translate to is more fog and more snow...(up to one foot maybe tonight).
It is beginning to look a lot like Christmas out here. The snowmachiners (snowmobiles) are buzzing around, the ground is fresh with fallen snow, their are reindeer frolicking in the distance (not really, that was added for effect), and I feel like a young Kris Kringle with my beard and various stocking caps. I think I need some Christmas lights for my apartment, and I don't know what I'm going to do about a tree because we don't have any on the island at all.
I guess what I need next is elves, I could definitely see some of the kindergarteners in creepy felt costumes milling around the island doing my bidding. Yes I know what the story is about now. Santa must be from Nunivak Island. It all makes sense...Now I just need to solve the whole flying around the world thing, the whole fitting down the chimny thing, the whole knowing how every girl and boy in the world has behaved all year thing, and how to simultaneously manufacture an grant an approximate 3 billion distinctly different Christmas wishes.

Why do kids believe in Santa Claus, it is completely scientifically ludicrous. I can't believe I fell for it, I was a smart kid and I was such a sucker for Santa. It is the great master joke of parenting that once a year for about 7 years you get to lie to your child for a whole month about a fictitious man that lives in an inhospitable habitat with non existent elves that make every toy imaginable to be delivered to every good child on one night while they are asleep. I mean its actually kind of sick and twisted in a way.
We lie to our children a lot. The fact that a large bunny comes around yearly laying eggs full of goodies for children to find is also rather disturbing. Of course there is also the tooth fairy a tu-tued angel of the night that collects your lost teeth in exchange for money from right out from under your head sleeping on the freaking pillow! CREEPY! Why the hell does she want teeth? Where does she get all the money? (From her denture factory thats where!)

This being said, we should invent a holiday. We'll have it in the middle of summer since that is the one time of year we haven't invented something to lie to our kids about. We will call the holiday "Awesomus" We'll hold it the first Friday in July If that happens on the 4th of July then it will be called "Grand Awesomus."On this holiday a magical invisible Striped Bass named Larry will go around leaving refreshing sugary beverages in icey coolers, chocolate candy bars to melt in the sun, popsickles of course, ice cream, also kids will also wake up with a box full of pop its, sparklers, firecrackers, bottle rockets and various other low grade explosives (this will be set aside from 4th of July), the traditional food will be Barbeque hamburgers and hot dogs and potato salad. At high noon the ceremonial slip and slide contest will commence. There will also be horse shoes, croquet, lawn darts and badminton for adults. It is tradition that the kids assault the adults in an all out water balloon attack at precisely 3:30 pm. The adults traditionally pretend to get mad. As the sun sets on Awesomus a fire must be made to honor Invisible Larry the Magical Striped Bass that makes all this possible for us. Kids will hold hands around the fire and sing Awesomus carols. These will include the infamous summer classic "When you're sliding into first and you feel a juicy burst diarrhea dun dun diarrhea dun dun ..." kids will also sing "This is the song that never ends..." and various other songs to annoy adults. Adults can and are encouraged to scare the piss out of the kids with ghost stories and if someone has an instrument play it. The Awesomus finale every year will be when crazy Invisible Larry Appears in human form as a stumbling, mumbling, slurred speech adult who talks too close to others and is way too loud. The person who has been possessed by Larry the invisible striped bass must also insult others and make romantic advances towards people with no regard for their own integrity. The adults will all quickly give the "possessed" person coffee and take them away from the kids. Unlike Santa or the Easter bunny most people are mildly ashamed of Larry. But hey, he is what is...just make sure he doesn't drive his Camaro back to Alabama where he spends the rest of the year getting ready for Awesomus.

Man, I can not wait to celebrate the first ever official Awesomus this summer. Unfortunately that is half a year away. But like all great holidays, you have to wait...the anticipation is killing me.

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

How about I send you some Christmas joy to spread around your apartment? I can't do the tree but I am sure I can manage just about anything else. So, maybe you don't believe in Santa anymore but aren't you glad you have the memory of that belief? A belief formed before the reality of life crept into your world casting shadows on your joy? I know that the human form of Santa may not exist but the spirit does. I know, corny, but that's how I feel. Anyway, having you home is all the Santa I need! Love, Mom

Brooke said...

I'm pretty sure that Larry the striped bass often encroaches on Santa's holiday by showing up in the human form of that slightly inappropriate and very drunk "friend of the family." Somebody needs to let him know that his day is coming--but not until July.

I got your CD and it has been rocking out my Honda. Thanks for sending all the way to STL, MO!

Mr. Iverson said...

Glad you like the album! I have sent only a few out now and I always wonder what people think. Now when I come through STL on my famous acclaimed world tour you'll be able to say I got this guys first ever album he made on an island in the Bering Sea alone with only himself and various instruments. You'll look at the stinky hippie standing next you rocking out and he'll go "Far out man, far out" and you'll go "I'm not a man, plus you stink hippie go take a shower" or something like that. Anyways, I figured Larry the striped bass needed a holiday. Thanks for reading.

to view my other blog OUT OF THE CLOSET ATHEIST click HERE