Thursday, September 6, 2007

Newton's Law

I don't have much of any thing to say that is going to rock the hearts and minds of you all, my devout blog followers. I just know that I have to say some things. And, if you are reading them then you just have to know what is going to come next. I can provide that for you. I can do that. I can tell you things I know. I can tell you things I don't know, like Newton. We all know of Sir Issac Newton, the famous physicist who gave a mechanized explanation of the universe and reality. We know his laws (or we know them if we payed attention in school). But I, in fact, am not talking about that Newton. I am talking about another less appreciated one, Fig Newton. I am talking about a man so glorious that his great family's name "NEWTON" is plastered and brazened across fig and artificially fruit flavor altered fig fruit chewy cookie packages in stores all over our proud America. Who knows, maybe Fig Newtons are world wide. I happen to know they exist in small Alaskan Eskimo villages in the Bering Sea. And, if they exist there then why not in Bangledesh or Iceland. I find myself so intrigued by the Fig Newton because when staring at the meager and modest cookie selection in my local grocery store I could not brake my gaze from the inviting and sumptuous pink "Raspberry" Newtons package in comparison to its more regular and less exciting cookie competition . It dawned on me, and this is an indication of my mental state lately, that it has possibly been far, far too long since I had a delicious Fig Newton, or in my lucky case a raspberry Newton. My life is so exciting that I purchased the Newtons proudly, brought them home, opened up a can of Mountain Dew that I thought would compliment those cookies I now admire so, and am currently working my way through said package. You know something? In the fast paced world I was so accustomed to, I never tried a lot of things. There just wasn't enough time to get around to savoring such a simple delight as a Newton. And, now with out all my comforts, obligations, and my relationships far away I have found something to fill the massive void left by friends and family. Its actually not something. It is someone. Newton that's who. And its not just him its his whole crew. Don't you worry about ol' Kale. Newton's crack team of fig and fruit cookies got his back.
Now at this point hopefully you're picking up a scent of sarcasm. I had to clue you into this very real and very sobering actual part of my life. After only one short month in Alaska I am not tougher. I am not smarter or cooler. I am not saving the world one child at a time. I am admiring fig cookies and contemplating their existence. Wow, that is a scary thought. But, I warned you at the beginning of this that I wasn't going to rock your world. I wasn't until now. I dare you. No, strike that, I triple dog dare you to go to the store and get yourself some freakin' Raspberry Newtons. They have a new easy open package. When you open them the smell of Raspberry goodness fills the air heightening your anticipation. What in God's name could ol' Kale have been talking these Newton's up so much for. Oh, you'll know. You'll know when you put that first Newton in you mouth. I suggest not starting out with one though. If you can fit two or three into your mouth at once I would suggest that to the less exciting and brave single Newton entry. What I'm talking about is full frontal three on one Newton delight immersion. What? Don't judge me. You are the one who doesn't even know what I'm talking about yet. You are the non Newton eater. Go ahead smart ass. Go on living a life without Newton. He went on living with out you and created the greatest cookie conglomerate known to the history of man. Do you want to live a life without trying it? I mean who are you Mr./Mrs. High and Mighty? Going around not eating Newtons. You know what, nevermind!. You make me sick. Always with your nay saying. I don't think you deserve the ultimate mixture of sin and delight that is ramming three Raspberry Newtons into you mouth at once. But know this, know it in the corp of your rotten soul. If you walk by a Raspberry Newton package with the new easy open snack seal packaging in a grocery story in the near future and do not by it, know that you are making a grave mistake my friend. A horrific and despicable mistake. Almost as big of a mistake as spending this much time reading some weirdos nonsense about freaking fig cookies. I mean really get back to work already. You lazy non Newton eating slacker. Man, you really neeeeeeeed some help. But seriously, go get some Newton's you won't regret it.

Let me know how it goes.


Susan Iverson said...

I guess now we are going to have to have some Newtons for our tailgate party! We'll let you know how they are. Go Cougs!

Steven said...

I want to be the first to get your autograph before you become famous! Keep up the poems, I'm reading them! ----Grandpa Wicks

Steven said...

Kale- I just took Grandpa through your blog and we read your poems and looked at pictures. I've been reading of course, and will make sure to post more often. Hang in there and keep entertaining us!


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