Monday, January 25, 2010

Read this, good old fashioned post.

Ah, Monday. Today was spent at _______ High School teaching Algebra. The kids were good and it was my first time at this notorious school. Freshman and Sophomore's and Math sounds like it could be a horrible day right? No not really, for some reason I was just on fire today. I used my standard secret weapon, I tricked the kids into doing their homework by doing all the problems on the board. Most people would say that this is not really very honest, I disagree, most times I find that the students haven't actually completed a homework assignment in months. By going through each problem and working it out with them many of them respond by being more engaged and actually attempting problems that they never would have tried on their own or in the elusive (free work time). In the end they get a good grade in the grade book and the teacher gets kids with a good day of practice with the skills they want them to learn. I had 12 kids today say that this would be the first homework assignment they turned in all year. Enough said.

What else, hmmm...count down to move day is all that is on my mind. I can't seem to think of anything else. I just can't wait to get this new life started. Mostly because I haven't been playing music at all lately, I've taken a big break, and my new roomate Kyle is a playing machine which will force me into playing and expanding and trying new things. I don't want to be premature in saying this, but I think I will officially be starting a band! And maybe you guys will be able to listen to something different then the horrible old songs that bombard you every time you log on to this silly little blog.

Continuing on. No responses to the little previous dream blog. No bigs, probably not that interesting. I guess I'm trying to figure out just exactly what the hell to do with this space. Lately its been hanging by a thread due to little internet access and general disinterest with life. Where should this blog go, what is the point? I seem to just write about self servient shit that doesn't really mean anything, I mean honestly it has turned into an extended Facebook page. I need to remedy this. How though?

I know a lot of readers liked the weekly features such as "old person phrase of the week" and my suggestions for new music. I just feel like its not really like that any
more. My life has changed. I am in survival mode. In Alaska time, purpose, and money were plentiful. My mission and idea of life was clear. But now, everything is murky and full of uncertain paths. I can't portray a blog of such certain and frequent stability because, in fact, my life lacks those qualities. I think a lot lately about how much I can be an active factor in the change of my life versus the gentle lull of American life that seems to make all vision of real goal achieving seemingly impossible. In the foggy view I know there is something that I am supposed to do but lately I can't see it. Half of me wants to go out there and make a name for myself but the other half of me is getting a little discouraged that I haven't made it simply because I am fucking awesome and deserve a serious shot at showing it.

And then there is love. An additionally ridiculous enigma. Some sort of zen shit happened in Alaska that has been since lost. One of the positive qualities of spending extra ordinate amounts of time alone is that you are forced to become self happy and sufficient. But now that I am back in the civilized world of wonderful people of the opposite sex the age old question returns to my field. Do I need someone to be happy? Hmmmm. Well I don't know yet. I want to be on my own because I feel like there is no way that I can be everything for someone when I'm so lost in the woods, but also, who is to say that someone wouldn't bring me out of that confusion. Its all so muddy and ridiculous sometimes. Life brings clarity one minute and complete bafflement the next. I used to think that if I could imagine a life in which I still lived full and content alone then if that happened I would be able to look back and say at least I was prepared. But, unfortunately (or fortunately) I love people and in the end I meet people and get attached and for a moment (or an extended period) I believe that people carry the key to happiness. I don't fall into the trap of thinking that I'm entitled to happiness but it would be nice. I just don't really, after all the last few years have given me, really know how to go about that, that thing of being happy. Maybe it is what drives us.

So what this entire post is about really isn't clear but hopefully you the reader recognizes it as a return to honesty, which I think, we the blog addicts of the world can agree is the most endearing quality of a good blog post (which honestly this probably isn't). Honesty about your life so that others can read it and maybe figure out what the fuck is going on, or at least realize they aren't as crazy as they thought they were. As I typed that last sentence I had the overwhelming feeling of Doogie Howser M.D. at the end of another moral filled episode where he ex-sponges his realizations on a life lesson learned (que theme music).

Anyways, I just want you to know, yes you, that I'm gonna try harder to bring that daily honesty back to "Radiate Warmth" or now the stupider name "The Good Things" which may soon be called "Stupid Shit to Think About."

Hey, go kick some ass out there.

2 comments:

serialstar said...

maybe you could give your readers a weekly good thing to focus on or reflect on, whether it be a quote, passage, thought, feeling, picture, what have you. That sort of goes along with weekly music/ old person phrase. Plus it reflects the name of the blog...

Anonymous said...

Just write. Whatever weird little thoughts come into your head. That's what this make-believe space is for. Those of us readers who cannot be in your daily life must resort to these sporadic words that you carefully decide to share with us. You have a great mind and valuable thoughts, be confident in yourself!
Love.

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