Yeah, I don't really know what to write about. But some of my best posts have started this way. I guess I have a need to exercise my brain right now.
I don't know what words can really describe how I've been feeling lately. There is a healthy dose of exhaustion from an entire summer on the road doing crazy fun adventures. There is a heaping cupful of boredom as I still have to wait two weeks to get to work. There are a few teaspoons of anxiety and nervousness about finding a cool place to live and a real job. And there is a small constant sprinkle of regret and sorrow for leaving Alaska, I hear about my kids and friends and feel sad. Maybe if things worked out like I had planned it would all be gravy. But down to a letter the plans almost certainly did not get followed.
I left Alaska mostly because I was tired of being alone and of being alone all the time. And now, I seem to find myself alone almost as much. I get to visit people a lot which is definitely an improvement. Visiting is different though. I need a COMPANION. Someone on my wavelength thats around more that just once a week. That's the kind of lonely I'm talking about. It could be a girl but I would also take a best friend. Everybody is doing their own thing. I want to be doing OUR thing. Is that so weird to just want to have a companion? To have someone that wants to be around me as much as I want to be around them plutonic or romantic, where I can say "Lets go" and they jump in and finish the sentence with "rent a movie and make Indian Food!"
Things will settle I guess. I have lots of awesome people in my life. One of them is going to step up I just know it. Its just hard right now, everyone around me seems to be in survival mode, I think we all are, everyone is moving, or starting school, or looking for jobs, or god knows what, that is why I welcome the bone numbing cold of fall and winter, its slows people down.
I am very slow today. I am so sore from running the other day that I can feel every strained muscle in my body. Thats when it dawned on me. I'm turning 27 this year. How the hell did that happen? I'm old. Old and dorky. I need to get my shit together. I was feeling very young and strong just last week till I realized this fact. I gotta get that back. I'm young still, its all in the head.
Dammit, this post isn't really going anywhere, and I'm not even talking about Good Things I'm talking about Life Things. Life just keeps on going on around me and I seem to be in some sort of vortex of not mattering much. And I'm not even throwing a pitty party for myself, I'm fine, if I learned anything in Alaska its that I can endure a lot of shit and abuse and make it through. The confounding thing is how do you deal with life when you seemingly have everything anyone would ever want and you're still not happy. I feel like a whiney baby. Probably because I am a worker bee, I like to have a purpose and a project and after three months of goofing off (which was more work that you can imagine) I'm exhausted.
HEY UNIVERSE GIVE ME A JOB I WILL KICK ASS.
oh and ...
HEY UNIVERSE GIVE ME A COUGAR WIN THIS WEEKEND.
Sorry for the mega personal probably should save this one in drafts post but GOOD THINGS wouldn't be so good if there wasn't CRAP THINGS. I just keep scratching my head at this summer and thinking about what kind of life lesson I was supposed to learn from this one. I mean I can look back on lots of things that didn't go so well in my life and extract the wisdom from it. But what will I look back and get from this humdinger of a year. Jesus 2009 I'm frightened to see what else you got in store.
Is it just me that thinks this is a weird year?
Ok, the sun is shining, my roof is calling me for a yoga session...alone...so I will go for now.
Have a great weekend with someone you love.