We got out of school early and everything. I'm supposed to be meeting with student's parents this afternoon to discuss their amazing attitudes, stellar grades, fulfilled potentials and beaming personalities right? Well I don't even have the opportunity to tell a whopper of a lie like those because none of my parents showed up. Two whole half days (weird word use there)and only a couple of parents came; the parents of the students who are doing really well in my classes. (Coincidence?) Some were out of town, some were sick, some just didn't come, either way it is so frustrating. It just really sheds yet another sad and exasperating light on the whole impossible situation out here, so lets all just give up on the kids already and get the party started.
You, me and all parents and teachers out there, let's just let them not do work, not come to school on time, not try at anything and reward them for doing such too! I say we should only watch MTV in class. Then after 1st period MTV watching (bumping and grinding are encouraged), they will go to 2nd Period: "How to continually be depressed forever" class where they really learn how to cement themselves in a cycle of eternal sadness and negative actions towards others. 3rd period will obviously be set aside for sleeping and or leaving school to cause trouble in town before LUNCH where we will feed the students only pop tarts and energy drinks. They will, of course, have to use and dispose of at least one styrofoam tray per pop tart and only drink their pop from styrofoam cups to make sure that the environment gets it's butt kicked in the process as well. Trays and cups can be thrown into the street or burned out back with the other garbage. Then we will forbid them from doing physical activity and make them eat strawberry flavored lard from a bucket to ensure their physical well being. 4th period will be comprised of Advanced fashion and brand name enslavement, extra credit opportunities will be given for successful arguments for what type of Aberchrombie and Fitch top is the best or why HURLEY is the brand that is the "sickest." Then 5th period we can dive deep into philosophy and art by watching "High School Musical" and other epic works of contemporary teen driven art (more pop tarts and cola). 6th period will be devoted to writing on desks, in books, and general school facility destruction including a discussion on the proper technique for placing gum under desk and how to creatively carve your name in back of a desk.
Our school has 7th and 8th period . 7th period will simply be used for students to go around and belittle, batter and punch their teachers in the nose while also telling them that they are old. 8th period conveniently coincides with Total Request Live (TRL) on MTV so the students will naturally be allowed to go home only if they maliciously step on a helpless baby animal (provided by the cafeteria), say a racially or gender insensitive comment to another student (must be younger), eat a candy bar (king size), smoke a cigarette (unfiltered and provided by the school nurse) and slap their grandmother (any elderly person will do). If they are unable to complete these steps (their homework) then they will be given 1oo dollars and a large mechanized metal vehicle with two speeds: reverse and peel out. There will also be a MP3 player in the 2 ton motorized death machine that only plays Linkin Park, Incubus, Creed, Young Jeezy and the new Ciara cd at full volume (with subwoofers).
In this new and improved system of education we can put them and America on the fast track for success and well being.
Yes can't you imagine it? A wonderful new America. No responsibility, plenty of junk food and all kinds of amazing music. Gosh, I can't wait to get started. Whatever.